Vet Stress The veterinarian as marriage counselor...not in my job description

Raise your hand if you saw Best in Show. Remember the couple with the Weimeraner? Picture them…with a cat instead of a dog…and you’re starting to get the picture. They’re my clients. Let’s call them “the Bickers.”

For those of you who didn’t happen to see this excellent film (which parodies the dog show world as it exults and examines the human-animal bond), you’d better go rent it right now.

Back to the point of the post: Being a small animal veterinarian in modern-day America can be a little like being in the counseling business. Sometimes we have to help our clients achieve normal body images on behalf of their pets (as in this past Sunday’s post), other times we have to help sort out their marriages…again, for the well being of their pets.

You may think I exaggerate the importance of my profession’s role in society (and you wouldn’t be wrong) but I’m sure you’ll understand me when I offer the following statement:

Some pet owners need a lot of help.

In this recent example, the Bickers brought in their kitty, a two year-old fat cat named Scratch. Scratch has a problem. Apart from having to live with two excessively catty human beings who deserve a divorce, Scratch is obese, regurgitates his food at their feet and scratches or bites his owners when he wants something.

For their part, the Bickers indulge Scratch mercilessly. They change his food daily (without telling one another). They respond to his violent entreaties for everything from couch position to ice cream with pettings and whatever it is he wanted in the first place.

To make matters worse, the Bickers blame one another for everything. Scratch gets off Scott-free, while the family unit falls apart under a hail of nasty epithets, regurgitated kibble and bad behavior all around.

After three appointments like this—during which I was at a loss as to how to bring them around to my way of seeing things—I sent them to a veterinary behaviorist. I assumed that a veterinarian so trained would manage to broker this dispute and get Scratch his proper help.

I was wrong—or, rather, I was right about this specialist’s ability to properly handle a problem I could not. She fired them on the spot.

The Bickers were not amused. They were unable to understand the significance of being fired by a veterinary behaviorist—i.e., You are incorrigible as a couple. If you can’t get it together for the sake of your beloved pet you deserve your misery.

Too bad Scratch has to suffer right along with them.

Though it's possible the loss of their veterinarians will make a sufficient impression to help mend their destructive ways, it occurs to me that in doing so I may again exaggerate the power of the veterinary profession. After all, we're not miracle workers...and God knows we're not marriage counselors, despite our best efforts to help our patients by appealing to our clients' better natures.

December 2nd, 2008

Add Comment20 Comments

Hmmm. Sounds like an argument for "guardianhood" which would hold them responsible for this imposed suffering of their pet. I've got no firm position on the guardian debate (I see pros and cons on that one), but seems like you observe that their own personal problems are making them bad guardians. Poor kitty.

Stefani December 2nd, 2008 10:32:56 AM

How would they react to being referred to a behaviorist who is inter-species? Many behaviorists, whether they ultimately end up working mainly with humans or mainly with other animals, have training in both areas. The other option would be a good human-animal bond worker or strong-minded aniaml trainer (most of whom know it is the owner who needs the training ;) )

emily December 2nd, 2008 10:42:33 AM

This story brings to mind a couple that came into our veterinary ER one evening with a wheezing dog. Even from a few feet away, the smell of tobacco from this couple was overpowering. Placing them in the room with the door closed was unbearable for staff. I can't describe to you the enormous pity I felt for this poor creature who had no choice in his masters' destructive habit. I was so proud of our vet that day when she told them that their smoking was the cause of Fluffy's poor breathing difficulties. I hope they changed their ways, but who knows.

Gail December 2nd, 2008 01:02:23 PM

Oh, you haven't lived until you've done a decade or so of in-home private training and behavior consults. Especially if you do a nice long, detailed history interview at the first session.

So often you get WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

Often of the "I wish I did not know that -- but actually, I do need to know that. Yuck." variety.

Those clients whose personal problems are so egregious that I've fired them are exactly the clients who will interpret this as (triumphantly) a failure of the trainer or (proudly) a measure of just how extra-special difficult their pet's "problem" is.

The professional can use the most direct language possible: "Your dog is not going to improve until you two stop undercutting one another and sabotaging the training in the name of winning your sick little power plays." Or "If you don't follow the management protocols and training program that you agreed to in writing, and stop cheating because you feel 'mean,' this dog is going to bite your toddler very badly, very soon, and you will be solely responsible, because I am outta here."

And the clients will report to their friends: "Brandy is too stupid to be trained," or "It's all the wife's fault," or "That trainer just gave up, Brandy is so difficult."

I did have one bright and engaging couple who were involved in a triangle: bitch - husband - wife. After six weeks of work, with some progress, but still retaining core problems, I referred them to marriage counseling; they looked at one another, and told me "That's a good idea. We do well when we're in counseling."

H. Houlahan December 2nd, 2008 01:25:24 PM

Agreed! Being a trainer is way more info than I can stomach sometimes. I have even had several memorable in the bedroom training sessions (with several differnt couples!!!) because that is where the dog problem was. It is a common scenario..dog whines when kicked out, and joins in when in the room. One partner wants the dog out and one wants the dog in....ewwwww!

Nancy Freedman-Smith December 2nd, 2008 01:51:11 PM

I think a cat that vomits at your feet and bites the hand that feeds said food........should not be around.

Bob December 2nd, 2008 02:10:36 PM

I had a foster kitty with a biting habit, and I have a permanent kitty with a puking habit. Loved/love them both. I totally cut biting foster kitty a break: she'd lived in a cage for years, no wonder she didn't trust anyone. In the year and a half she was with me, she came a LONG way. Less biting, a time or two she actually jumped on my lap. Still a little mistrustful, but after years of being mistreated by the world, who could blame her? My pukey kitty can't help it. If she eats food with vegetables (I haven't figured out the culprit but its either potato or carrot, because Wellness and Merrick make her projectile vomit) or soy or wheat gluten, she pukes. Or if she eats too fast. Raw meat diets, and canned food with nothing but meat, she's fine. I'm basically saying I don't agree with you Bob. These behaviors are probably things that have either been caused by his stressful environment (biting) or something he can't help (puking). In a less stressful environment with a different diet, kitty would probably improve. As for people, not so sure.

Stefani December 2nd, 2008 04:00:20 PM

The cat might have a food intolerance problem like Stefani's cat, or even a food allergy like my cat. The vomiting might improve with a proper high protein, high meat content diet. He might lose some weight if he weren't eating people food and the cheap stuff.

When we first got her, Miss K. seemed to suffer a kind of nervous system overload. We would be petting her peacefully, and she would suddenly turn upside down, start attacking, turning into ballisti-kitteh! This does not happen hardly at all now. The cure that worked for us was being consistent with this treatment from the human. As soon as she starts to attack, FREEZE, then withdraw your hand, leave the cat, let her have a three to five minute time out. Do this EVERY time she goes ballisti-kitteh! Being a reasonably intelligent and affectionate cat, she became considerably gentler. Now the worst I get is occasional mouthing, if she forgets herself. Then she closes her mouth and starts licking me.

Sounds to me like the cat needs to be around some one ELSE, who can feed a proper diet and apply some consistent behavior modification attempts. Right now he might be getting away with attacking people to get attention. If attacking people no longer gets the results, he's probably smart enough to quit.

Miss Kitty's Mom December 2nd, 2008 08:56:10 PM

Don't get me wrong, I think it is very sad about the cat....but absolutely hysterical regarding the topic! And something, I would venture a guess is not that uncommon.

Instead of me offering my silly example of Mr/Mrs. Bickers (which I can identify with on some level), just what do most vets think when a couple comes in "jointly" with their pet???

What is the thought of sending the spouse alone, with a list of questions??

ok, I'm still giggling, Barbara Albright/NH

Pocket's Story from NH December 2nd, 2008 10:14:06 PM

Best movie ever! It cracks me up to no end.... That being said, I feel for that cat. My husband and I befriended a couple that we liked very much. We did all sorts of fun couple-y stuff. They had a great dog with tons of issues who was absolutely showered with toys, treats, beds, and love. As we got to know them, they'd fight more and more in front of us. Not little arguments- really MEAN jabs and remarks. Just awful. It digressed into full on yelling and we started spending less time with them. I stayed friends with the woman, and I learned more and more about her relationship problems and the dog's problems (not eating, constant diarrhea, anorexia, aggression towards other dogs...) and I worried along with her. Eventually the dog actually died of just shutting down at 6 years old. He just would not eat - anything! They ran up about $10,000 in medical car for him. In the back of my mind, I thought that the dog had just too much arguing and nastiness to listen to all the time and it had taken it's toll. After the dog died, they broke up and I don't keep in touch any longer. In my heart, I always thought the dog was suffering from extreme anxiety. And after reading this post, I see now that he was.

Creature of Habit December 3rd, 2008 08:34:42 AM

Barbara: On the issue of two owners coming in at one time I'd say it's very welcome. If the owners are so involved that they both want to be present (better still if they bring their well behaved children), it's almost always a plus. It shows desication. Sometimes, however, as in the above example, it also showcases pathology. I have to say that I probably wouldn't have figured out the source of the problem in three visits had they not always arrived in tandem. Getting all sides of the story means you get to see things you'd rather not but it can be very illuminating nonetheless.

Dr. Patty Khuly December 3rd, 2008 09:40:31 AM

OK, not dessication, rather, dedication. Love those pseudo-Freudian typos. Can you tell I'm not married?

Dr. Patty Khuly December 3rd, 2008 09:41:48 AM

Miss Kitty's Mom, re: your approach to the biting kitty:

" As soon as she starts to attack, FREEZE, then withdraw your hand, leave the cat,"

This absolutely seems to work, or at least it did with my foster kitty. She seemed to attack "defensively" -- but she didn't really want to hurt you. She never broke skin or drew blood, she would latch onto an ankle, wrist, or hand, and put her mouth and strong mitts around you, incisers poised on your skin. I started intuitively doing what you said. I'd just FREEZE. If you moved, then it just became a struggle, and she'd escalate. But if you'd freeze, then, she'd get very confused ("wait, this person is not hurting me . . .") . Actually, lots of the time I would not retract (especially if her claws or teeth were caught in a sock . . .). I'd just stand there still, talk nicely to her. She'd look very confused and slowly let go, THEN I would slowly move away. After months of this the attacks came less frequently, but it was always clear they came out of fear and an attempt at self defense. The rescue staff told me that after years in a cage (I think it was over 4 years) she started really attacking anyone who put hands in her cage, as though they thought they were COMING AT her. The vet staff started not liking her, she got a rep, and they told me they had to "tank her" for bloodwork. In other words, they started treated her like an evil kitty which just was making it worse. I guess she was almost lucky to get diabetes, which caused them to try really hard to find her a foster, but I think it was also because they saw she was unravelling mentally.

Once she came to live with me, she stopped needing to be "tanked" for bloodwork, and got nicer and nicer with each visit. They said she was not the same cat. I mean, I was pricking her ear for blood glucose tests about 6 times a day, and she was letting me! (She went into remission at 7 weeks of tight control)

Too bad this ended up being the last year and a half of her life, and it wasn't the perfect situation, but it was gratifying to see the change in her, and to know that life was better for her, and that was why she began getting nicer.

I wish more people knew just to FREEZE when a cat bites often stops the attack. Pushing them, responding, just makes them keep coming.

Stefani December 3rd, 2008 11:50:58 AM

I love your gingerly answer, Dr. K. ! Sometimes, I'm cornered into bring Mr. Bicker along, he does want to show his true interest & part in home care for the pets. I find it somewhat of a challenge, since as a typical "man" he tends to either embellish a bit too much, causing slight embarrassment, or distort the facts from lack of attention to details.

He is thoroughly annoyed when I suggest that his people food choice-treats aren't always the healthiest to offer: such as leftover milk from his cereal, etc. So one time, he decided to convey how much fun the dogs have on Sunday pancake breakfast, each with their multiple little pancakes made.

The vet not "knowing all the details", said how wonderful that was, etc. And Mr. Bicker became smugly like a puffed-up peacock, and turned to Mrs. Bicker (me) and said "see, I told you there was nothing wrong with my pancakes". Not being able to contain myself, I told Ms. Veterinarian that Mr. Bicker was omitting the one detail that the pancakes were fried up in bacon grease!

After a gasp, Ms. Veterinarian asked how he could cook them that way and subject "himself" to all the serious 'carcinogens' in said hot bacon grease, while Mrs. Bicker stood silent watching Mr. Bicker deflate, turn pink and promise to cook all future pancakes in a dry ungreased pan, at least for the dogs.... ah yes, the JOY of being a "couple". TG, I have me-first terriers, un-fazed by the "Bickers"...Barb Albright

Pocket's Story from NH December 3rd, 2008 07:07:30 PM

As an animal communicator, I encounter this kind of behavior too. The poor cat! To live in such a dysfunctional world has to be awful, and god forbid they ever have to rehome Scratch. Somebody is going to have to undo all those nasty habits. It's not fair.

Bridget Pilloud

http://blog.petsaretalking.com

Bridget Pilloud December 4th, 2008 05:17:24 PM

a January 30th, 2009 04:28:36 AM

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